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Saturday, August 11, 2007

Australia - we're funny buggers

Australians are known for our dry, laconic wit. That's why some people get us; others don't. I completely understand that, especially as our humour is punctuated by lots of swearing sometimes (hence my post title). For example, when we say something like, "He's a funny bastard" some might get offended, but more often then not we mean it affectionately.

Jamie sent me this funny back in March and I'm going to cut and paste it here because I think it encapsulates what I'm trying to say completely. I'm not going to quote its source because, frankly, I don't know what it is and like most email forwards, its probably near impossible tracking it down anyway. But if anyone knows what it is, please let me know. (Like where on the Aus Tourism Website...but I sincerely doubt it's still there, if it ever was!)


The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have an excellent sense of humour and allow we "Aussies" to have a giggle .

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns,Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not.. oh forget it. ..... Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You're a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the rains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? ( France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Comments on "Australia - we're funny buggers"


Anonymous mcewen said ... (10:45 am) : 

Absolutely goddam brilliant!


Blogger flametree said ... (1:13 pm) : 

Love it!

I once met a middle-aged Texan tourist on a bus in Adelaide - he honestly thought we would have kangaroos jumping down the streets of our major cities. I assured him that only happens in Darwin, his next destination ;)



Blogger Tracey said ... (4:07 pm) : 

Still chuckling - believe it or not I'd never seen those!

We DO get kangaroos hopping around some residential streets around here! (OK, so we don't live in the city- we live in a coastal area half way between Sydney and Brisbane) In fact, a girl out jogging got attacked by one! Sometimes there are roos in the school grounds, and they are all over the local golf course.


Blogger Jean-Luc Picard said ... (12:24 am) : 

That's a very dry wit!


Blogger D. Paul said ... (1:58 am) : 


That's, by far, the funniest damn thing I've read all year!

If only we could inject such a sense of humor in our administrators here in the U.S. (of course, Hell is more likely to freeze over before that, but a man can dream, can't he?)


Blogger Miscellaneous-Mum said ... (6:55 am) : 

It is pretty good, eh? :)


Anonymous Anne said ... (7:22 pm) : 

It's hilarious!!


Anonymous Gloria said ... (9:44 am) : 

Hilarious! Hahahahaha! I can relate to some of the...erm...weird questions being a transplant myself.


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